My lover's recent-sudden departure has left such a great scar that till today I am unable to come to terms with. And I share this here because I have harboured it for too long and still pray for a proper closure.
In the words of Kinky: "Noone is going to give you that closure. You give the closure yourself." Indeed I have tried. I have tried endlessly but all attempts seems futile.When the separation occured I was reminded of a scene from the past. A scene if I try to decribe here would at least leave you readers a sense of remorse. Let me try:
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*Atok = Granddad
*Nenek = Grandma
And so Atok was brought back to the house, all clean and ready. Everyone was gathered that day. Even people from the kampung made the journey south for this event.I was still in primary school then, and I could not understand why atok had such an importance to all those who were present.
Atok was known to be a tyrant to the whole kampung. He was a disciplinarian, a mosque-dweller and a businessman. He was admired and feared at the same time. As a young boy, I've seen how a normal conversation can end with atok's booming voice encompassing the whole kampung. No one dared to speak without thinking.
I wondered why with such a reputation people bothered to visit...
Everyone I knew sat gathered near atok. All looking at Atok...
"Mak? Why is Atok hidding underneath the cloth?" I asked.
Atok, everyone, everywhere is here to see you and you choose to hide, I thought to myself.
And then I saw Nenek. She wasn't her usual self today. Her cheerful smile seemed distant. Her face half-covered by her favourite hankie.
Out of a sudden, there were murmurs. The murmurs became louder and more synchronised. The old man infront of me seemed to be leading a prayer of some sort. It felt like a game. He ask a questioned and everyone answered.
My uncle crawled towards Atok, and lifted the end of the white cloth to reveal Atok's pale face. He seems asleep. Can't he hear all of us at all?
One by one of my mother's siblings approached Atok and gave him a kiss on his forehead. Hmm... such a rare sight. They rarely showed such affection to Atok.
I got a nudge. Daddy pushed me towards Atok. All my cousins came flooding behind me. One by one wanted to give the same affection their parents did. I did not want to lose out to my older cousins and quickly gave a smacking kiss on Atok's forehead. I gave a victorious smile. But nobody noticed. Even my cousins did not want to play... :(
At the side Nenek's cry became louder and her hands trembled at the sides of Atok's cloth.She stared intensely at him... trying her best to control herself...
And her weak voice was finally heard. She said...
Nenek: Abang, jangan tinggalkan Puteh...
(Dear, don't leave me....)
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For those who could not understand the whole situation that I have placed here, it talks about my experience during the event of my Maternal Granddad's funeral... And how affected I am till today what my Late Grandma said to my deceased Granddad.
Till today, Nenek's plea remain etched in my mind. Even to the end, she found it difficult to separate from the love of her life. I tried my best to recall this scene and after all this years, I treasure this act of love. Yes indeed Atok was feared but he loved. He had a different way of showing love but he loved. And he loved Nenek very much.
Please do not look at this act of love as dramatic. Because it is only natural how different humans act towards the death of people they love.
Mimin's Current Thought:
After you leave, one question still lingers in my heart... Was I such a horrible lover that you had to leave without saying goodbye?
Mimin's Gearing For:
A new hairdo for Hari Raya.
Mimin's Praying For:
Ramkumar Kabetha Bai.
How could an Angel break my heart? Why didn’t he catch my falling star? I wish I didn’t wish so hard. Maybe I wished our love apart.
