My lover's recent-sudden departure has left such a great scar that till today I am unable to come to terms with. And I share this here because I have harboured it for too long and still pray for a proper closure.
In the words of Kinky: "Noone is going to give you that closure. You give the closure yourself." Indeed I have tried. I have tried endlessly but all attempts seems futile.When the separation occured I was reminded of a scene from the past. A scene if I try to decribe here would at least leave you readers a sense of remorse. Let me try:
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*Atok = Granddad
*Nenek = Grandma
And so Atok was brought back to the house, all clean and ready. Everyone was gathered that day. Even people from the kampung made the journey south for this event.I was still in primary school then, and I could not understand why atok had such an importance to all those who were present.
Atok was known to be a tyrant to the whole kampung. He was a disciplinarian, a mosque-dweller and a businessman. He was admired and feared at the same time. As a young boy, I've seen how a normal conversation can end with atok's booming voice encompassing the whole kampung. No one dared to speak without thinking.
I wondered why with such a reputation people bothered to visit...
Everyone I knew sat gathered near atok. All looking at Atok...
"Mak? Why is Atok hidding underneath the cloth?" I asked.
Atok, everyone, everywhere is here to see you and you choose to hide, I thought to myself.
And then I saw Nenek. She wasn't her usual self today. Her cheerful smile seemed distant. Her face half-covered by her favourite hankie.
Out of a sudden, there were murmurs. The murmurs became louder and more synchronised. The old man infront of me seemed to be leading a prayer of some sort. It felt like a game. He ask a questioned and everyone answered.
My uncle crawled towards Atok, and lifted the end of the white cloth to reveal Atok's pale face. He seems asleep. Can't he hear all of us at all?
One by one of my mother's siblings approached Atok and gave him a kiss on his forehead. Hmm... such a rare sight. They rarely showed such affection to Atok.
I got a nudge. Daddy pushed me towards Atok. All my cousins came flooding behind me. One by one wanted to give the same affection their parents did. I did not want to lose out to my older cousins and quickly gave a smacking kiss on Atok's forehead. I gave a victorious smile. But nobody noticed. Even my cousins did not want to play... :(
At the side Nenek's cry became louder and her hands trembled at the sides of Atok's cloth.She stared intensely at him... trying her best to control herself...
And her weak voice was finally heard. She said...
Nenek: Abang, jangan tinggalkan Puteh...
(Dear, don't leave me....)
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For those who could not understand the whole situation that I have placed here, it talks about my experience during the event of my Maternal Granddad's funeral... And how affected I am till today what my Late Grandma said to my deceased Granddad.
Till today, Nenek's plea remain etched in my mind. Even to the end, she found it difficult to separate from the love of her life. I tried my best to recall this scene and after all this years, I treasure this act of love. Yes indeed Atok was feared but he loved. He had a different way of showing love but he loved. And he loved Nenek very much.
Please do not look at this act of love as dramatic. Because it is only natural how different humans act towards the death of people they love.
Mimin's Current Thought:
After you leave, one question still lingers in my heart... Was I such a horrible lover that you had to leave without saying goodbye?
Mimin's Gearing For:
A new hairdo for Hari Raya.
Mimin's Praying For:
Ramkumar Kabetha Bai.
How could an Angel break my heart? Why didn’t he catch my falling star? I wish I didn’t wish so hard. Maybe I wished our love apart.
And so Mimin, Ajit and Wawan made a trip to IKEA. If the sight of three young men playing at the playground nearby disturbs you then patronizing IKEA makes a great alternative. Labels: IKEA
What was to be a shopping trip to decorate our individual rooms became hilarious attempts to re-enact situations in the office, at home and in the kitchen. Obviously I am unable to literally act out those crazy moments, the three of us had at IKEA, but what got to me was that childlike spirit that lives in all of us; irregardless of age. *Stares at youknowwho.
And if you think I was the mastermind behind all this impromptu antics you thought wrong darlings. It was Mr Ajit himself. We would enter an office showroom and re-enact how two colleagues would gossip about a boss and what's great about IKEA is they even have stationeries like Files and computers around to make this role-play real. Hehe!
Another great fact: When we were searching for Wawan's prospective bed, we had time to sit on a sofa and chit chat for a close 15 minutes.
Just found the time I spent with these two guys really special. It is not everyday we strip ourselves of our daily identity and allow our child-like senses to take the lead. Even if it was just another day to them it was special to me.
Funny moments
Wawan was queueing up to withdraw some money when Mak Nyah sashayed by. She was asking some individuals in the queue where should she queue and all of them pointed to the last guy who fortunately/unfortunately was Mr Wawan.
*Struts over to Wawan and positioned herself behind him.
*Mak Nyah strikes a pose and worked her charm on the poor/lucky guy.
Wawan being very uncomfortable in the situation he is in, quickly took Ms Gong's hand and held it tight. A sign to show that he is attached and doesn't want to be disturbed. Upon seeing the act, the Mak Nyah had only this to say:
Mak Nyah: Boring lah korang ni! (Walks away, did a sharp turn and stared at Wawan)
Mak Nyah: Papa Jahat!
Wawan lucky guy you! Hehe. That was a great example of a role play. Hehe!
Mak Nyah = Transverstite / Transsexual / Cross-dresser.
Can be deragotory. Common general term.
Mimin's Current Thought:
Everyday without fail and with much restraints, Mimin would sit by his window and look down at the carpark below. Waiting... If... Just what if the vehicle that came by was you... Then I know hoping was never a chore in the first place.
Mimin's Gearing For:
Show @ Taman Warisan. Closing Ceremony of Hari Raya Light Up 2008.
Saturday. 5.30pm sharp.
Featuring Atrika, People's Association Malay Dance Troupe & DIAN DANCERS.
Mimin's Missing:
Kinky. Bimbo & Art.
Marriages are made in heaven. So does lightning and thunder.
- New Urban Male T-shirt worn by DD.
I love bus rides when you are accompanied by people who do listen. And yes! I would appreciate company who actually listens to my experiences. Two young ladies became victims to an insightful chat regarding early marriages and young divorcees.
I feel that I am no stranger to such circumstances because of countable friends who has made decision to lead lives 'blissfully' attached. Sadly not many with the true intention of love. Unfortunately not many who do last.
A friend recently called it quits for her marriage to the guy she was forever in love with since secondary school. A life to me that seems to be more than just never-ending episodes to a typical soap drama.
The man she deems the love of her life, the man who she left home for without parental consent, the man who vowed an everlasting love, the man who she defiantly married without the restu of her parents... was indeed the man who cheated on her for a younger girl.
After all that has been said and done. After all this drama. What is left for her?... It left her nothing. Her pursuits to prove cynics wrong left her fighting the battle alone...
Even after all these years, I silently pray for her well-being. I hope she pulls through all of this. I hope her little offspring will be taken care of with the best of her ability insya-allah.
On a less heavier note...
A lady just realise that the combination of a white dress and luminous pink undergarments did more than just satisfying one own's curiosity. It managed to gather the attention of Mac Delivery Riders in Macdonald's. Hehe! Love you Ms Gong!
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
-Kahlil Gibran.
I was gone from February till the end of September... So many memories left undocumented. So many key events unrecorded. Only pictures become my sole evidence that I have lived. Yes, I have been living mind you. Living life like barnacles on the edges of rocks, awaiting my fate each time the tide comes high.
I am not about to fill anyone what sort of events have happened in my life thus far, only that I am to start life a new and in a few month's time insya-allah in a whole new environment. *winks*
I try to excite myself with all these thoughts sometimes, but you get sucked in by your distant past. And you wonder sometimes whether you should even welcome this past of yours back. Would it make things any better?
But I try hard to make myself busy and happy. Refusing to recall a month of anguish. I try. Really I do. *sigh to no avail sometimes.
Dalam laut dapat diduga, Dalam hati siapa yang tahu.
*Shuffles to the room...
What am I going to do now? Well, I have a blanket, a torchlight, no biscuits (I'm fasting remember?), my laptop, my book (Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert) and a 'No Disturb Sign' neatly pasted on my blanket with two flimsy tape.
So what are you planning to do?
I am just going to hide myself under my blanket, finish up blogging and read my book. I refuse to care about the world's events when my life itself is a civil war between my mind and heart.
And mummy comes in to the room...
Mummy: Along can you help me...
Me: No mummy. I have helped the world enough today. I'm no superman. Along want to read book. Look at the sign! What did it say?
Mummy: It says if you are not going to help me, I am not going to buy you that brooch!
See what happens. Such a beautiful Mother and Son relationship. The power to authorise. The power to threat. Mimin lost the battle, yet again...
I've loved you each day since we began. And when you left I continue to love even when there was no hope...
After my recent break up, I have been in search for answers; mainly the truth. Haven't had that for a long time. People tend to shun the truth don't they. Well, as for me I get slapped by the truth and nothing but the truth. Labels: Ajit, Art, Bimbo, Kinky
My best friends were the key people in bringing the truth to me. And frankly, nothing hurts as much having those dear to you laying out your faults. But they have been very cautious in making this process as painless as possible. Bull!
Art has tried to point out the reality to me and even sited her own experiences. And how interesting is that because it is not everyday you have Art to share her 'past' experiences.
Bimbo's emphasise on time has given me mixed reaction lately. 'Time will heal all wounds'. Darling it doesn't seem to be working!
Ajit gives good hugs and admonish me regularly on the things I say to other people and of the enemies I have accumulated along the years due to my mouth.
Kinky being a master in the art of consoling fallen friends have given me a fair insight of my rights and wrongs in my relationship.
Great advice nonetheless. But Mimin still needs answers.
So I turned to an ex-lover whose existence in my life was to satisfy my fantasies of having an admirer during my days as a polytechnic Arts Junkie.
As much as I appreciated truth, I felt we were being more careful with our words, than trying to console me of my unhappiness. hehe.
I only have this to quote from our conversation:
Me: But you did love me back then right?
N: Umm... I fell in love with the concept of you.
Let me explain, what said person was trying to say was, there was this idea of me that N was in love with. But when an illusion of me is replaced with what is real, the ideal was far better choice. As much as the truth hurts, it allowed me to just lock N's memories in a case and dispose of the key. Hehe. In conclusion, there was no love in the first place.
But do not confuse yourself, N was someone I loved during my Poly days not the recent one.
This idea of love just gets to me sometimes. In truth maybe I am over this recent lover. I am just in love with the idea of having someone to love me. Or Am I?
Can we ever live a lifetime without having someone to love?
This is the question I post to you...
